Feeling Lonely? A Psychologist's Four Ps for Building Real Connection

The four things that can help us feel less alone, and more connected

Key points:

Clinical psychologist Laura Sherman says loneliness often comes down to four things: finding your people, positioning yourself to meet others, pursuing purpose, and keeping healthy perspective.
Laura explains that perspective may be the most important factor, since how we interpret silence or rejection can either fuel isolation or protect our sense of connection.
She encourages anyone experiencing chronic loneliness to consider seeing a psychologist, noting it’s a valuable step whether or not someone feels in crisis.

We’re more connected than ever, yet loneliness is on the rise, with 40 per cent of young people reporting they feel lonely.

Salt 106.5 breakfast host Nato sat down with clinical psychologist Laura Sherman, who works out of Maroochydore, to unpack why this is happening and what we can actually do about it.

You haven’t found your people yet

Laura’s first point was simple but reassuring: sometimes we just haven’t found our people yet.

“Even some of the most well-connected people that we know sometimes are absolutely lonely as well,” Laura said.

She shared that she often felt lonely at school despite having friends, and it wasn’t until after school that she formed her closest, lifelong friendships. She encouraged listeners to reframe the things that make them feel “weird” or different.

“When we really start to break that apart, those little things that they’re calling quirks… are actually the things they like about themselves,” Laura said.

“It’s probably that very thing that’s going to help you connect with the right person when you meet them.”

Positioning yourself to meet people

The second P is positioning, being intentional about creating opportunities to meet new people rather than sticking to routine.

“Are you positioned to meet people? Are you doing the same groundhog day every day?” Laura said.

Interestingly, she found that going to new things alone, rather than with a friend for safety, often made her more approachable.

“When I was by myself, it sort of attracted people, rather than thinking, I’m fine because I’ve got people already with me.”

Purpose brings people together

The third P is purpose, engaging in activities that are meaningful, since shared purpose naturally creates connection.

“Traveling’s a great example, because when you travel, you often meet other travellers who are in the same headspace,” Laura said.

She pointed to volunteering, serving on a church team, or helping out at community events like park runs as ways to build connection through shared purpose.

Perspective: the most important P

The final, and Laura says most important, P is perspective, how we interpret the actions of others.

“It’s how you view yourself and others in these interactions… your appraisal of situations or your interpretation of them,” Laura said.

She used a relatable example: waiting on a text back and assuming the worst, rather than staying neutral.

“There is so many reasons that could be that doesn’t necessarily mean instant rejection. And often it’s not.”

Laura explained that loneliness itself can make us more hypervigilant to rejection, which becomes a difficult cycle. Her advice is to gently question the story we’re telling ourselves.

“Is this truth? Would this evidence stand up in court?

“Name that story and stand back from that a little bit if you can… don’t let that isolate you.”