Listen: Relationship expert and neuropsychotherapist, Joanne Wilson shares the 3 corrosive Cs in relationships.... and lets us know what you can do about them.

1. Confidence… or lack thereof

“When you are unable to assertively communicate and ask for what you need, and repress what you want and stay silent, it’s actually not going to be very healthy for your relationship and can be quite corrosive.”

“You can’t hold your needs in. If you are treated in a certain way that you don’t like, if you have certain aspects of your life that you need support with or you need things done differently in an intimate relationship, you need to be able to approach communication with confidence and ask for what you want.”

As Joanne often shares in relationship therapy, “it doesn’t mean you’re gonna get it, but actually talking about it is quite helpful so that your partner can understand you.”

2. Conflict

An unhealthy approach to conflict is where Joanne spends most of her time in the counseling room, tackling couples unhealthy, often toxic cycles, they get caught in.  “There’s often a pursue or a withdrawal dance that you get caught into, or sometimes it’s attack and defend.”

“All different types of ways that are our best attempts to cope, to navigate differences… when it’s uncomfortable, we can get stuck in unhealthy patterns.”

3. Communication

“Poor communication skills, very similar to number one, we can launch into an attack, and we can use a tone that’s not helpful.”

“We avoid stopping and thinking how it’s delivered. Sometimes when emotions are involved, we can be quite scattered… We can’t access our prefrontal cortex or otherwise known as the smart brain in your frontal lobe… we get emotional and just can’t communicate well.”

So what do we do about it…

1. Self-compassion

In order to have that confidence, in order to have the communication skills you require in your intimate relationships and with anyone else, you need to be able to ensure that you are not a former shadow of yourself.

“My little challenge for you today is carve out just 10 things that are good for you that make you feel that are good for your soul…. a grounding experience that is good for our brains.

“Whatever it is, cover 10 things today… (this) ritual is really healthy for you, (so) that you can then present the best possible version of yourself.”

2. Foster self-discipline

When it comes to conflict and communication, you need to have that self-discipline to pause to self, and administer some form of self-regulation, which is coming up next.

3. Self-regulation

“Making sure that you can actually access your prefrontal cortex… make sure that you can pause before you speak.”

Listen to the full conversation in the player above. 

For more from Joanne Wilson tune in each Saturday from 12pm or find more from The Relationship Rejuvenator online.